Suck and Moan

Blood, blood, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.

– Excerpted from the popular 1798 lyrical poem The Rime of the Ancyent Vampyre. Used by permission of the author.



Thus is the central dilemma in Brendon Fong’s apocryphal apocalypse prognostication “Suck and Moan.”

I won’t bother to explain the premise of this webseries. I’ve already done so in a magnificently-produced “Balthazane’s Study” video. You should watch it. With 15% new footage, It’s value-added!





The question now haunts me. I’m not sure what I would do if I were to unwittingly bite into a zombie and expose myself to its contagions… I mean, if I were a vampire. If vampires were real. Which they aren’t.

It would be bad enough to find myself facing a shortage of fresh food. There’s only so much Coconut Juice one Being can drink before they need the real thing. These are the hypotheticals that “Suck and Moan” had me pondering. Unfortunately, the characters in “Suck and Moan” were pondering them too. Ad nauseum. Complain, complain, complain. At least now I know where this webseries™ got the second half of its title from.

And, after you watch “Suck and Moan” for more than 5 seconds, you’ll learn where the first part of the title comes from.

It’s because the show is about Vampires. …What did you think I was going to say?

I suppose I’m a bit peevish, not just because the thought of consuming zombie blood has me vurping into my freshly brewed mug of Hot CJ this morning, but because “Suck and Moan” disseminates about 1,500 Vampiric fallacies. Fallacies that the Vampire community has been working hard to dispel. …or, would be working hard to dispel, if the Vampire community existed. Which it doesn’t.

So, in cooperation with the Vampire Anti-Defamation League, I’ve composed a “Suck and Moan” Viewers Appendix. A handy way to confirm or deny any and all assertions made about Vampires in this webseries™. I’ve listed them in order for convenience. Whenever a claim is made, or the characters ask one another an absurdly inane question about their own Vampirism, you’ll find the answer here. Starting with Episode 1:



1. We don’t

2. It isn’t

3. No

4. True

5. False

6. Absurd

7. Idiotic

8. Never

9. Absolutely



I realize that this list may seem incomplete. It isn’t. When you find that you’ve come to the end of the list, but not the end of the series, simply go back to the top and apply them in order again to the persisting claims. You’ll discover that it continues to work. Concurrently, if you continue looping Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” after the Tin Man scene in “The Wizard of Oz,” it’ll persist to be exactly as mind-alteringly synchronicitous as it was from the beginning.

Exactly as.

As I stated in my video, “Suck and Moan” could use a little more “Suck” and a little less “Moan.” However, there was plenty of zombie death. That’s always an easy way to gain points with me. However, I prefer to not be reminded of zombies altogether. If there were a way to kill zombies that aren’t included or mentioned in the show, it would probably be the perfect webseries™. Even though “Suck and Moan” is bordering on the scurrilous as far as Vampire stereotypes, and it insists on killing zombies that exist, I found it enjoyable. It did contain Vampires after all. I give it my second highest rating.


Score = Blah


What this show has:

Vampires

A Surgical Mask

A Baseball Bat

A Golf Club

A Toothbrush

Conversation

Conversation

Conversation

Myths

Terrifying Hypotheticals


What it doesn’t have:

Oysters