The Best Friend

Many years of being the Most Influential Webseries™ Critic Out There™ has taught me that first impressions are always correct.

I’m referring to first first impressions. Not the impression I get from seeing the first 15 seconds of a show, those 15 seconds are what I base my entire review on as they’re the only seconds of a show that matter in the slightest. I mean early impressions. The impressions I get from the title of a show or simply the feelings evoked by the link that I use to find a webseries™ in the first place.

Vampires are never “the best friend.” Therefore, I had little hopes for the webseries created by Marilyn Anne Michaels and Allie Smith, unfortunately titled “The Best Friend.”

“The Best Friend” follows the adventures of Sooze, a cute, self-obsessed individual who shops at the trendiest stores, can’t find the time to pay the rent, and takes full advantage of her lovelorn “best friend” “Millie.” Sooze is also a 27-year-old virgin, which means that her sexual weapon has been sharpened to a razor’s edge.

I will say that Sooze is, almost undoubtedly, the most interesting and sympathetic character in recent webseries™ history. The kind of girl you take to blood drives and go cape shopping with. The perfect creature.

There’s only one terrifying problem. She isn’t a creature at all. She is merely a… girl.

She wouldn’t go cape shopping. The perfect Vampire isn’t a Vampire after all. I finally discovered why Sooze is a virgin. She is an inexcusable tease.

I had to keep watching. I was positive that, at any moment, Sooze was sure to turn, bear her glorious teeth and tear Millie’s throat out. Isn’t that why she kept Millie around in the first place? To feed from? Have I been mistaken all these many years about what the term “wing woman” means? No. “The Best Friend” is in error. It has to be the case. In scientific experiments, my opinions have been lab-tested and proven to be accurate %112.5 of the time. You can’t argue with results like that.

Perhaps that’s why I’m so disenfranchised with “The Best Friend.” As I continued to watch, dumbfounded, I began to realize that “The Best Friend” is actually about the best friend, Millie (I know, right), and her campaign to turn an otherwise perfect being – through feelings (ugh) – into a simpering slushpile of humanity, thus destroying almost any hope that Sooze will ever turn out to be a Vampire.

Despite that, an upside to this webseries™ is watching Millie learn the error of her own wet-blanket, thoroughly un-Vampiric ways. I harbor little illusions, however, that any Vampirism is forthcoming. Most likely, both women will meet somewhere in the muddy middle and two lives will have been destroyed. And not in the delicious way.

That said, even though “The Best Friend” contained no Vampires (it took place in the San Fernando Valley and not one Vampire?! Honestly?!), it did contain an almost-Vampire. A Vampiric shell. A Vampy facade. And, as we know, appearances are the most important things in this world. And, more importantly, this webseries™ has reinforced my initial assertion that first first impressions are always correct. I did find “The Best Friend” enjoyable, albeit maddening. For that reason, and since the women go to a chic salon with an extremely hip name, I give “The Best Friend” my second highest rating.


Score = Blah.


What this show has:

Musical tips to fool a stalker

Backup Singers

Sequins

An Eviction Notice

A Doors Tee

Farmer’s Market

1,000 Cute Nicknames Based on “Millie”

A Haunted Size -2 Wedding Dress

Credit Dancing

Music

Big O

A 27-year-old Virgin

Footgasms

Official Dog Walker

Chicken Cutlets

Pillow Fight

Redhead Parade


What it doesn’t have:

Vampires

The Hubble Telescope