Suck and Moan

Blood, blood, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.

– Excerpted from the popular 1798 lyrical poem The Rime of the Ancyent Vampyre. Used by permission of the author.



Thus is the central dilemma in Brendon Fong’s apocryphal apocalypse prognostication “Suck and Moan.”

I won’t bother to explain the premise of this webseries. I’ve already done so in a magnificently-produced “Balthazane’s Study” video. You should watch it. With 15% new footage, It’s value-added!





The question now haunts me. I’m not sure what I would do if I were to unwittingly bite into a zombie and expose myself to its contagions… I mean, if I were a vampire. If vampires were real. Which they aren’t.

It would be bad enough to find myself facing a shortage of fresh food. There’s only so much Coconut Juice one Being can drink before they need the real thing. These are the hypotheticals that “Suck and Moan” had me pondering. Unfortunately, the characters in “Suck and Moan” were pondering them too. Ad nauseum. Complain, complain, complain. At least now I know where this webseries™ got the second half of its title from.

And, after you watch “Suck and Moan” for more than 5 seconds, you’ll learn where the first part of the title comes from.

It’s because the show is about Vampires. …What did you think I was going to say?

I suppose I’m a bit peevish, not just because the thought of consuming zombie blood has me vurping into my freshly brewed mug of Hot CJ this morning, but because “Suck and Moan” disseminates about 1,500 Vampiric fallacies. Fallacies that the Vampire community has been working hard to dispel. …or, would be working hard to dispel, if the Vampire community existed. Which it doesn’t.

So, in cooperation with the Vampire Anti-Defamation League, I’ve composed a “Suck and Moan” Viewers Appendix. A handy way to confirm or deny any and all assertions made about Vampires in this webseries™. I’ve listed them in order for convenience. Whenever a claim is made, or the characters ask one another an absurdly inane question about their own Vampirism, you’ll find the answer here. Starting with Episode 1:



1. We don’t

2. It isn’t

3. No

4. True

5. False

6. Absurd

7. Idiotic

8. Never

9. Absolutely



I realize that this list may seem incomplete. It isn’t. When you find that you’ve come to the end of the list, but not the end of the series, simply go back to the top and apply them in order again to the persisting claims. You’ll discover that it continues to work. Concurrently, if you continue looping Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” after the Tin Man scene in “The Wizard of Oz,” it’ll persist to be exactly as mind-alteringly synchronicitous as it was from the beginning.

Exactly as.

As I stated in my video, “Suck and Moan” could use a little more “Suck” and a little less “Moan.” However, there was plenty of zombie death. That’s always an easy way to gain points with me. However, I prefer to not be reminded of zombies altogether. If there were a way to kill zombies that aren’t included or mentioned in the show, it would probably be the perfect webseries™. Even though “Suck and Moan” is bordering on the scurrilous as far as Vampire stereotypes, and it insists on killing zombies that exist, I found it enjoyable. It did contain Vampires after all. I give it my second highest rating.


Score = Blah


What this show has:

Vampires

A Surgical Mask

A Baseball Bat

A Golf Club

A Toothbrush

Conversation

Conversation

Conversation

Myths

Terrifying Hypotheticals


What it doesn’t have:

Oysters

Hollywood Wasteland

If the world as we know it were to come to an end, turned into a post-nuclear wilderness, you can bet Vampires had something to do with it.

That is, unless you’re Matt Newcomb, writer of the webseries “Hollywood Wasteland.” Then your apocalypse is brought about by a Vampireless, albeit evil cabal. Excuse me whilst I turn my head and scoff.

Y’ugh… Oh, sorry. That’s what happens when you you scoff and yawn at the same time.

Dull implausibility will bring this business down. That’s all I’m saying.

The more specific premise of “Hollywood Wasteland” is that a nuclear bomb has destroyed Hollywood, triggering the apocalypse, and, with the aid of some steam punky guys from the future, it’s up to an aspiring comic book writer to save the world.

…Or something. I don’t know. I was immediately lost by the ridiculous premise. For one; all those things I mentioned above. Secondly; a comic book writer couldn’t save 10¢ on a gallon of milk if he had a coupon. And, thirdly; everyone knows that Hollywood was destroyed in 1980 by the movie Caddyshack.

In fact, I believe Caddyshack took out about half the country.

Jeff Collins’ (the comic book guy) world-saving success is made more unlikely since he’s barely noticed that the armageddon has even taken place. He’s somewhat clueless. But, not as clueless as his vapid, Los Angeles housemates. They’re the type of people who probably think that a tragically unfunny movie can be designated a “comedy classic” by sheer force of will and by the mindless repetition of insipid catchphrases and predictable “punchlines.”

That’s not actually in the show. It’s conjecture on my part. See, they haven’t noticed the nuclear destruction either. And not one of them has the wherewithal to be a vampire.

Five people living in one house and not one of them is a Vampire? In Los Angeles? This show just keeps getting more and more improbable. There’s even a crazy conspiracy theorist living in the basement! And, yep, he’s non-Vampire.

I’m starting to detect a theme with “Hollywood Wasteland.” It’s as if it’s going out of its way to not include Vampires. It’s starting to move out of the realm of “bad taste,” inching ever closer to bigotry territory. I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate a healthy dose of discrimination with my comedy. I thought Will and Grace was a hoot. But I haven’t been this indignant since Bill Murray tastelessly lampooned stroke victims in Caddyshack.

I once had a very old friend who had had a stroke before he was… well, let’s just say before his life was irrevocably changed in other, more interesting, ways. Half of his face was permanently paralyzed. Every time he fed, he looked like a giant, fleshy can opener.

It wasn’t funny.

However, the more I think about Caddyshack, the more I appreciate “Hollywood Wasteland.” For one, it isn’t Caddyshack. That’s a big plus. And I suppose, if pressed, I’d admit that it has its humorous moments. Though, I’d like to point out that only the first three episodes are funny. And there was a lot of talk about açai juice. Honestly, I can’t get enough açai juice. It really is a miracle elixir. Everyone should spend their money on it whenever they have an opportunity.

I found “Hollywood Wasteland” to be more than just a geeky remake of Terminator 2. Even though T2 had one more Vampire in the cast. I give it my second highest rating.


Score = Blah


What this show has:

Chapatenuca

Stan Getz

Smokin’ Hot Robot

Açai

Comic Books

Illuminati

Laminate Flooring

Bouncy House

Quinceanera

Roommates

Evil Appliances


What it doesn’t have:

Vampires

Blintzes

After Judgment

It helps from time to time to go back and take a look at a classic webseries™. “After Judgment” is such a beast. 2008 was a gorgon’s age ago in this business.

But I digress.

In “After Judgment,” the world has suffered some kind of unexplained cataclysm. The people left over can never die. Never die? Well, this is sounding rather promising! (I would hardly call a cataclysm that causes a spate of Vampirism a cataclysm. But then, I’m no Vampocataclysmologist.)

Sadly, as is the case with so many of these shows, I have been misled. The characters don’t die, true, but they aren’t exactly undead, either. And while they are enthused at the slightest sight of blood, they make no moves to consume it. What are they, then? What happened? What’s going on here?

Your guess is as good as mine, and my guess has already been shot in the head and left to resurrect itself on the cold, loamy earth.

The main character, Steven, is nicely played by Joel Bryant (who is also featured in the merely passable sitcom “Life from the Inside“—see my review here). We get to see Steven out of his clothes quite often, which normally would not be worth mentioning, but since it’s obviously central to the story, I thought I should let you know.

While there are no Vampires in this show, there aren’t any zombies, either, and so I found “After Judgment” to be enjoyable. I give it my second highest rating.



Score = Blah.



What this show has:

Lost souls

Mysterious figures in black

Flashbacks

Off-screen sex

Rotund theology experts

Pizza

A cop

Blood

Unexplained phenomena

A gun firing more bullets than it has in its chamber

No children

A large sombrero



What it doesn’t have:

Vampires

The moves