Vampire Mob

The Vampire Anti-Defamation League has asked me to clear some things up about “Vampire Mob,” the webseries™ that I’m reviewing today. But, to be honest, I can’t remember why. I’m sure that the following episode of Balthazane’s Study will jog my memory.

Though, I’m not sure how watching my be-caped self deliver the best webseries™ reviews the internet’s ever seen in video form will remind me of Vampire stereotypes.

But I’ll watch nonetheless.





Ah. I remember now.

“Vampire Mob” is a webseries™ from creator Joe Wilson about an Italian-American hit-man who has an Italian American wife who has just bitten her Italian American mother and invited her to move into their Italian American home for the rest of Italian American eternity (or eternity’s close approximation), all the while being videotaped by their (I presume) Italian American nephew. But there’s one extremely brilliant twist; they’re all Italian American Vampires.

A show with great promise, but one rife with stereotypical traps; They live in Los Angeles, however, these Italian American Vampires speak with accents that are so East Coast, it’s as if they were born on a secret island version of New Jersey that floats in the Atlantic Ocean, 200 miles further east of the actual New Jersey. They enjoy making traditional Italian American food, even thought they can’t eat it. They say traditional Italian American Grace, even though it could fatally bore them.

I see no need for concern. “Vampire Mob” has been able to navigate all defamatory pitfalls without incident. They even managed to circumvented the ever-prevalent Catholic Vampire stereotypes which are most pervasive and revolting.

But the Vampire Anti-Defamation League has asked that I state that they take issue with “Vampire Mob’s” insinuation that any Vampires care about whether or not blood is organic.

I suspect that they’re only sensitive because it’s true. All Vampires feign interest in organic blood. It’s just the way Vampires are made.

I do, however, take issue with “Vampire Mob” for other, more sinister reasons.

Categorically, there’s one genre that confounds accurate and insightful critique: The Mockumentary. Dreaded foe of the webseries™ judiciary everywhere. Mockumentaries are the hell-spawn of Satan’s less amiable brother Jim.

The Mockumentary is like its own built-in, all-encompassing excuse. Bad camera work? Mockumentary! Bad sound? Mockusoundery! Bad acting? Mockuactory! How does one go about judging this type of work? Every insult is a compliment. Every compliment is also a compliment.

“Jim’s Beard! That was the most amateur webseries™ I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

“Why, thank you, we’ve worked very hard to make it look that way.”

Asinine. I’ve met Italian American who were less wily than the Mockumentary style. Perhaps the only way to fight the Mockumentary Filmmaking style is to do so in the Mockumentary Criticism style:

Now, you must imagine that this page is shaking violently, moving in and out of focus, and sounds as if the audio were recorded under the bleachers at a NASCAR event. For some of you, this won’t be difficult. Are you imaging it? Good.

“poop.”

There. You can stop shaking. Unless you’re the nervy Italian American type like Joe Pesci, then I can’t help you. That is my critique of the Mockumentary style. Gritty and raw n’est-ce pas? The lower case “p” at the beginning was a nice touch, I think. It implies that rules are not enforced here. This is life.

However, my critique of “Vampire Mob” is only slightly better. I found it to be enjoyable. Even with its relentless Mockumentary taunting. If there’s only one camera man, how are we seeing so many angles?! A maddening, labyrinthine mental exercise. One of many that Mockumentaries employ to slowly drive us all mad. But, I’ve survived with my sanity in tact. And “Vampire Mob’s” Cinéma Vérité style gave me a fresh outlook on humanity coupled with an excuse to use lines over my “e”s. ..Damn. I’m afraid I may be going Mockumental. A medically recognized illness (ask Christopher Guest). The only treatment of which is to watch the first 2 films in the Godfather series. There’s nothing real about those. Except for their depictions of Italian Americans.

I give “Vampire Mob” my second highest rating:


Score = Blah.


What this show has:

Vampires

Mobsters

A Hooker

A Dog

A Castle

Talking to the Camera

Mockumentary Style

Grit

Truth

Honesty

Life


What it doesn’t have:

A cure for Mockumental Illness



Suck and Moan

Blood, blood, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.

– Excerpted from the popular 1798 lyrical poem The Rime of the Ancyent Vampyre. Used by permission of the author.



Thus is the central dilemma in Brendon Fong’s apocryphal apocalypse prognostication “Suck and Moan.”

I won’t bother to explain the premise of this webseries. I’ve already done so in a magnificently-produced “Balthazane’s Study” video. You should watch it. With 15% new footage, It’s value-added!





The question now haunts me. I’m not sure what I would do if I were to unwittingly bite into a zombie and expose myself to its contagions… I mean, if I were a vampire. If vampires were real. Which they aren’t.

It would be bad enough to find myself facing a shortage of fresh food. There’s only so much Coconut Juice one Being can drink before they need the real thing. These are the hypotheticals that “Suck and Moan” had me pondering. Unfortunately, the characters in “Suck and Moan” were pondering them too. Ad nauseum. Complain, complain, complain. At least now I know where this webseries™ got the second half of its title from.

And, after you watch “Suck and Moan” for more than 5 seconds, you’ll learn where the first part of the title comes from.

It’s because the show is about Vampires. …What did you think I was going to say?

I suppose I’m a bit peevish, not just because the thought of consuming zombie blood has me vurping into my freshly brewed mug of Hot CJ this morning, but because “Suck and Moan” disseminates about 1,500 Vampiric fallacies. Fallacies that the Vampire community has been working hard to dispel. …or, would be working hard to dispel, if the Vampire community existed. Which it doesn’t.

So, in cooperation with the Vampire Anti-Defamation League, I’ve composed a “Suck and Moan” Viewers Appendix. A handy way to confirm or deny any and all assertions made about Vampires in this webseries™. I’ve listed them in order for convenience. Whenever a claim is made, or the characters ask one another an absurdly inane question about their own Vampirism, you’ll find the answer here. Starting with Episode 1:



1. We don’t

2. It isn’t

3. No

4. True

5. False

6. Absurd

7. Idiotic

8. Never

9. Absolutely



I realize that this list may seem incomplete. It isn’t. When you find that you’ve come to the end of the list, but not the end of the series, simply go back to the top and apply them in order again to the persisting claims. You’ll discover that it continues to work. Concurrently, if you continue looping Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” after the Tin Man scene in “The Wizard of Oz,” it’ll persist to be exactly as mind-alteringly synchronicitous as it was from the beginning.

Exactly as.

As I stated in my video, “Suck and Moan” could use a little more “Suck” and a little less “Moan.” However, there was plenty of zombie death. That’s always an easy way to gain points with me. However, I prefer to not be reminded of zombies altogether. If there were a way to kill zombies that aren’t included or mentioned in the show, it would probably be the perfect webseries™. Even though “Suck and Moan” is bordering on the scurrilous as far as Vampire stereotypes, and it insists on killing zombies that exist, I found it enjoyable. It did contain Vampires after all. I give it my second highest rating.


Score = Blah


What this show has:

Vampires

A Surgical Mask

A Baseball Bat

A Golf Club

A Toothbrush

Conversation

Conversation

Conversation

Myths

Terrifying Hypotheticals


What it doesn’t have:

Oysters

Vampirism Bites

Vampirism… wait for it… Bites.

Belle Vampire is Vampire a Vampire new Vampire and Vampire is Vampire a Vampire direct Vampire descendent Vampire of Vampire the Vampire Dracula.

By all logical reasoning, that last sentence should have been an utter joy to read. However, for some reason, making every other word “Vampire” didn’t help at all. And I’ll bet it’s because of the sentence’s glaringly obvious factual inaccuracy. I won’t mention where that inaccuracy occurred, but I will say these two words: “confirmed bachelor.”

“Vampirism Bites” contains a lot of Vampires. Every other person is a Vampire. It pretty much goes: Vampire, hunter, Vampire, hunter, Vampire, hunter, Litigator. It’s like a giant metaphysical game of Duck, Duck, Goose, with a lawyer at the end. Or something. I don’t know what a Litigator is. Far too much of this show exists for me to be expected to watch it. I’m a busy man.

But I do know that new Vampire Belle is having some trouble. Her fangs have yet to drop and she can’t quite master the Vampire Glamouring process. It’s no wonder. She has no concept of what Glamouring actually is. Contrary to popular movies and TV, Glamouring is not simply a magical process wherein staring or flirting influences thoughts and controls minds. It’s far more complicated than that. To properly Glamour someone, you must appear to earn at least $200,000 a year and… oh, well, that’s it. I suppose that is fairly simple. But wardrobe is very important (Banana Republic or better). And don’t forget to include “CEO” or “Expert” or “Guru” on your business cards.

Even though “Vampirism Bites” contains very little biting (I’m beginning to suspect that the title is ironic in some way), I found what little of it I watched enjoyable. The spray bottles are an interesting touch. Justice hasn’t been doled out this swiftly and barbarously since a naughty kitten jumped on a kitchen counter. The story is labyrinthine and recondite. And the dialogue is full of words. As if Joss Whedon got a blood transfusion from a bigger, Joss Whedonier Joss Whedon. I also appreciate a show that so blatantly challenges the outdated notion of axis lines and understands that the pen is truly mightier than the sword.

I give the webseires™ “Vampirism Bites” my second highest rating.



Score = Blah.



What this show has:

Vampires

Dracula Clock

The Rise

A Litigator

A Large Leather Sofa

Day for Night

Hunters

The Dracula

Punchline



What it doesn’t have:

Calculus