When characters find themselves in a mysterious and unexplained situation, being held against their will, forced by unemotive strangers to behave or get tortured, an audience can only feel one thing: Annoyed. That is, if these characters refuse to ask the simplest of questions, such as, “Who are you?” “Why am I here?” “What do you mean?” “How long have you been here?” “What do I need to do?” “Why should I not do that thing you are telling me not to do?” “Can you explain why you just said that?” “Who else is on this blasted island?”
I think you get the point.
Such are my feelings for this webseries™. Often. When Kate and Sawyer find themselves trapped in a bear cage, held by lord-knows-who, do they ask the right questions of their captors or each other? No! Annoyed. When Jack is trapped behind glass and Juliette is feeding him sandwiches, does he ask her who the hell they are? No! Annoyed. When Jacob says, “Come with me,” does a single person ask him to explain—
Wait, something is amiss. Am I talking about the right show? As the Web’s most renowned and popular webseries™ reviewer, I sometimes lose track of what I’ve seen. Perhaps the video I recorded months ago will help.
Ah, yes! “Cell!” I’m sorry. “Lost.” “Cell.” Both four letters, and both Vampireless shows. An easy mix-up. (I’d be happy to discuss with you the inexplicable Vampirelessness of the “undead” Jacob and Man in Black, but this is not the venue.)
So, “Cell.” A man. A woman. Chemistry. Love. Ah, love! Can the prison bars, cattle prods, mystery jailer, and romantic gelatinous pie filling oatmeal dinners be far behind?
As I stated in my insightful video review, this show had all the makings of a wonderful Vampire thriller. But again, we lovers of the Vampire genre are to be denied. Why is this? Why do so many webseries™ makers refuse to use the one guaranteed money-making tool they have at their disposal? Why would you not want your webseries™ to be the absolute best it can be? How do you think your show can become the popular hit you want it to be without the use of the single most popular archetype out there, the Vampire?
These, then, are the questions I am asking. I am not afraid! I am not afraid to ask them for fear of blowing my precious dramatic wad! I ask because I dare! Because I am the Audience, and I deserve to know! I am Balthazane! Hear me query!
Aside from all that, “Cell” was rather dramatic, mysterious, well-produced, and had me on the edge of my lounger. Most assuredly enjoyable. Therefore, as I forgot to point out in my video review, I give “Cell” my second-highest score.
Score = Blah.
What this show has:
Another rather meaner man
Star Trek technology
Blue light specials
Another rather creepier forbidden love
A little black spot on the sun
A faked death
Other less-faked deaths
What it doesn’t have: