Cell

When characters find themselves in a mysterious and unexplained situation, being held against their will, forced by unemotive strangers to behave or get tortured, an audience can only feel one thing: Annoyed. That is, if these characters refuse to ask the simplest of questions, such as, “Who are you?” “Why am I here?” “What do you mean?” “How long have you been here?” “What do I need to do?” “Why should I not do that thing you are telling me not to do?” “Can you explain why you just said that?” “Who else is on this blasted island?”

I think you get the point.

Such are my feelings for this webseries™. Often. When Kate and Sawyer find themselves trapped in a bear cage, held by lord-knows-who, do they ask the right questions of their captors or each other? No! Annoyed. When Jack is trapped behind glass and Juliette is feeding him sandwiches, does he ask her who the hell they are? No! Annoyed. When Jacob says, “Come with me,” does a single person ask him to explain—

Wait, something is amiss. Am I talking about the right show? As the Web’s most renowned and popular webseries™ reviewer, I sometimes lose track of what I’ve seen. Perhaps the video I recorded months ago will help.

Ah, yes! “Cell!” I’m sorry. “Lost.” “Cell.” Both four letters, and both Vampireless shows. An easy mix-up. (I’d be happy to discuss with you the inexplicable Vampirelessness of the “undead” Jacob and Man in Black, but this is not the venue.)

So, “Cell.” A man. A woman. Chemistry. Love. Ah, love! Can the prison bars, cattle prods, mystery jailer, and romantic gelatinous pie filling oatmeal dinners be far behind?

As I stated in my insightful video review, this show had all the makings of a wonderful Vampire thriller. But again, we lovers of the Vampire genre are to be denied. Why is this? Why do so many webseries™ makers refuse to use the one guaranteed money-making tool they have at their disposal? Why would you not want your webseries™ to be the absolute best it can be? How do you think your show can become the popular hit you want it to be without the use of the single most popular archetype out there, the Vampire?

These, then, are the questions I am asking. I am not afraid! I am not afraid to ask them for fear of blowing my precious dramatic wad! I ask because I dare! Because I am the Audience, and I deserve to know! I am Balthazane! Hear me query!

Aside from all that, “Cell” was rather dramatic, mysterious, well-produced, and had me on the edge of my lounger. Most assuredly enjoyable. Therefore, as I forgot to point out in my video review, I give “Cell” my second-highest score.



Score = Blah.



What this show has:

A woman

A man

Another rather meaner man

Star Trek technology

Blue light specials

Wise teachings

Forbidden love

Another rather creepier forbidden love

Uniforms

Pie tins

A little black spot on the sun

A staircase

Voices

A faked death

Other less-faked deaths

Cells



What it doesn’t have:

Vampires

Hula girls



Vampirism Bites

Vampirism… wait for it… Bites.

Belle Vampire is Vampire a Vampire new Vampire and Vampire is Vampire a Vampire direct Vampire descendent Vampire of Vampire the Vampire Dracula.

By all logical reasoning, that last sentence should have been an utter joy to read. However, for some reason, making every other word “Vampire” didn’t help at all. And I’ll bet it’s because of the sentence’s glaringly obvious factual inaccuracy. I won’t mention where that inaccuracy occurred, but I will say these two words: “confirmed bachelor.”

“Vampirism Bites” contains a lot of Vampires. Every other person is a Vampire. It pretty much goes: Vampire, hunter, Vampire, hunter, Vampire, hunter, Litigator. It’s like a giant metaphysical game of Duck, Duck, Goose, with a lawyer at the end. Or something. I don’t know what a Litigator is. Far too much of this show exists for me to be expected to watch it. I’m a busy man.

But I do know that new Vampire Belle is having some trouble. Her fangs have yet to drop and she can’t quite master the Vampire Glamouring process. It’s no wonder. She has no concept of what Glamouring actually is. Contrary to popular movies and TV, Glamouring is not simply a magical process wherein staring or flirting influences thoughts and controls minds. It’s far more complicated than that. To properly Glamour someone, you must appear to earn at least $200,000 a year and… oh, well, that’s it. I suppose that is fairly simple. But wardrobe is very important (Banana Republic or better). And don’t forget to include “CEO” or “Expert” or “Guru” on your business cards.

Even though “Vampirism Bites” contains very little biting (I’m beginning to suspect that the title is ironic in some way), I found what little of it I watched enjoyable. The spray bottles are an interesting touch. Justice hasn’t been doled out this swiftly and barbarously since a naughty kitten jumped on a kitchen counter. The story is labyrinthine and recondite. And the dialogue is full of words. As if Joss Whedon got a blood transfusion from a bigger, Joss Whedonier Joss Whedon. I also appreciate a show that so blatantly challenges the outdated notion of axis lines and understands that the pen is truly mightier than the sword.

I give the webseires™ “Vampirism Bites” my second highest rating.



Score = Blah.



What this show has:

Vampires

Dracula Clock

The Rise

A Litigator

A Large Leather Sofa

Day for Night

Hunters

The Dracula

Punchline



What it doesn’t have:

Calculus

Compulsions

What compels an average office worker to torture someone?

What compels an unremarkable computer genius to turn voyeur?

What compels a third, seemingly ordinary person to do something else out-of-the-ordinary?

If those people are Vampires, the answer is easy. If they’re not, then, honestly, I’m not quite sure… Perhaps some kind of compulsion?

What drives me to write a review of a dramatic webseris named “Compulsions”?

Obligation.

It would literally be a crime against nature to waste my skills by not reviewing this show. But, what would be a bigger waste of my skills?

Writing a review of this show.

Are you confused? Good. Now you know how I felt after finishing all 8 episodes of “Compulsions.”

I usually stop watching a vampireless webseries after the first 15 seconds. But “Compulsions” grabbed me. I watched the entire thing from start to finish. I’m not quite sure why. Something just badgered me to. I felt prescribed. Coerced. Indentured. Thesaurused.

Oops, wait, scratch that last one, my eye wandered to the wrong part of the page for a second.

“Compulsions” knows that, in webseries, as in life, the journey is the destination. And actual destinations are for quitters. Writer/Creator Bernie Su has crafted a webseries that is the epitome of suspense. Nothing destroys doubt, uncertainty and apprehension quite like answered questions.

But, I’m going to unquestion a question. The reason why writing a review of “Compulsions” would be a waste of my skills: Because I’ve already done a video review. I could have spared you all this reading, but something made me feel it necessary to torture you a little bit. Sadism. Let’s just call it a theme.

Watch:


Oh, now I’m left with more questions. Like; What am I reading? Why do I Iook so good in that chair? How do I turn the lights out at the end? Does fire obey my every whim?

Compelling…

“Compulsions” made me question the very purpose of questions, therefore, I’m giving it my second highest score?


Score = Blah?


What this show has:

A Cattle Prod

Voyeurism

Compulsions

Sadism

Questions

Water

Coworkers

“Craig Frankismo”


What it doesn’t have:

Vampires?

Sequins?

Wereanauts

“Wereanauts.”

Is there anything more exciting than a secret werewolf astronaut being sent on a mission to the moon by his secret wife/boss, who is caught up in a secret struggle of her own with a secret government agency and therefore must, against her will, send her secret husband on the one mission that will undoubtedly trigger his lycanthropy, thus revealing his secret to the world, if not just Mission Control?

Yes. There is.

But rather than rewrite that above masterpiece of a sentence, I’ll just say; replace “werewolf” with “Vampire” and remove all the gross “lycanthropy” stuff. There’s your answer.

Vampires are far more interesting than werewolves any day. It’s not politics. It’s a fact. However, if any pre-pubescent-brained dolt out there even thinks the phrase “Team Edward,” I’ll spank you in your sleep. Stephenie Meyer makes my teeth shrivel. I don’t know what made anyone think she could write an entire novel when she can’t even spell her own name properly.

Let me say a thing or two about writing in general. Commas are the breath of literature. Periods are for quitters. And while Stepheenii Meyer obviously lives by this philosophy, her writing still sucks.

And not in the good way.

Back to the review. I think I’ve said about all I need to say about this show. If you forced me to say something else (good luck) it would be: “Vampinauts.”

“Wereanauts” didn’t make me want to read Twilight again. So it has that going for it. I give it my second highest rating.



Score = Blah.



What this show has:

Evil Men in Black

Mars

Sexy Mission Controller/Secret Bride

Secrets

ID Badges

Lockers

Rocket Ship

Evil Plots

Intrigue



What it doesn’t have:

Vampires

Baklava