Solo

“Solo” is a webseries™ about a woman compelled to asphyxiate her friends and family while making her entire home smell like cheap plastic flowers by drowning her living room in a granny-perfumed, atomized tsunami of Fabreze®…

I’m sorry, that’s the pre-roll ad.


What’s “Solo” about? Perhaps this video will jog my memory?




Ah, yes. Like every highly valued consumer, I am a hummingbird, darting from webseries™ to webseries™ in an effort to satiate my unending thirst, only staying on one show long enough to ingest the sweet nectar without ever having to deal with the mealy petals and stems. I assume this is the way that hummingbirds eat and behave. To be honest, It’s not important to me. If hummingbirds don’t actually behave like this, then I am a hummingbird in metaphor only. A metaphor that has been defined by me (see sentence 2 of this paragraph).

As such, my finger is always hovering over my computer’s mouse, waiting to click to the next show. That’s why pre-roll ads can get under my skin. I live an extremely fast-paced lifestyle. I have no time for such distractions. By the way, didn’t I look handsome in my Balthazane’s Study video? I should really make more of those.

I am a laser focused habitué of webseries™, so when I see a show that begins with a news broadcast, I know I’m in for a treat of unbridled exposition. Couching backstory in dialogue is so completely 20th Century (except for when they did it in the 20th Century, then it was so completely 19th Century). It’s unseemly. It’s dishonest. In fact, it’s one of the reasons that I am so enamored of the YouTubes these days. Not only do “YouTubers” (great name!) eschew bourgeois notions of expository dialogue, but they take it a step further, choosing to tell their stories with nary a line of “dialogue” altogether. They deliver their narrative directly. It’s like mainlining entertainment. It’s the most honest, and modern, way to tell a story there is. I’m surprised that more filmmakers don’t follow their lead at YouTube, get with the program, and realize that the biggest hurdle for filmmakers in these go-go times is that every filmmaker out there insists on visual storytelling, or “making” “films.” That’s old fashioned thinking and it’ll never advance the art of filmmaking.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Laser focused. I was extremely excited to see the opening seconds of Solo and its faux news broadcast. With economical storytelling like this, could Vampires be far behind?

The answer, sadly, is “yes.”

As a loyal reader, I take it that you’ve learned by now that there are few fatal traps that all webseries must never fall into. The first is “snub Vampires at your peril.” I don’t invent these rules. it’s a fact that if a webseries is to truly succeed, it needs to incorporate Vampires. And it needs to not tease the audience either.

“Solo” is about Scott Drizhal, an ordinary moron who has been shot into space for a reality television show, when, without warning, his show is cancelled by the network, leaving Scott to drift in space with nothing but a talking electronic phallus for company until he can slingshot around Mars and get back to earth, while also leaving the show’s producer deep in debt to the Yakuza. Needless to say, this show strains credulity. A webseries™ about reality television and not one Vampire?! I’ll go on: Anyone with even a cursory knowledge of Japanese culture knows that the Yakuza is made up of nearly 70% Vampires. Scott’s ball-busting wife, in a purely Vampiric move, has him officially declared dead in order to claim insurance money to fund her insane shoe fetish. And yet she is not a Vampire either. I even harbored hope that the guy in the office of Episode 1 who obviously loots a tape dispenser in the midst of chaos would come back and drain every last person dry. But no.

In fact, as with other shows, it almost seems as if “Solo” has gone out of its way to dis-include Vampires.

And that’s, surprisingly, approaching admirable. The inclusion of Vampires might have caused me to identify with this show, thus fomenting emotions such as sympathy, infinitesimal as they may be, therefore making me uncomfortable for having even the slightest tinge of regret about criticizing this webseries™ for its ridiculously ignorant lack of Vampires as I have. For that, I am as close to grateful as I can be (don’t get too excited).

For the above stated reason, and since Scott Dhrizal did take a mechanical penis to the face in episode 1, which I found oddly compelling, and since the score didn’t make me want to vomit a pink spout of vein liquor, I give “Solo” my second highest rating.


Score = Blah.


What this show has:

The Artemis

Hymns

A Jumpsuit

Subtitles

Fake News

Prat Falls

An Agent

Stages of Grief

Fake Barack Obama

Birthday Cake

The Waste

Zerk’s Log

The Mercury Men

Gold

The Crew


What it didn’t have:

Vampires

Mardi Gras

Vampire Mob

The Vampire Anti-Defamation League has asked me to clear some things up about “Vampire Mob,” the webseries™ that I’m reviewing today. But, to be honest, I can’t remember why. I’m sure that the following episode of Balthazane’s Study will jog my memory.

Though, I’m not sure how watching my be-caped self deliver the best webseries™ reviews the internet’s ever seen in video form will remind me of Vampire stereotypes.

But I’ll watch nonetheless.





Ah. I remember now.

“Vampire Mob” is a webseries™ from creator Joe Wilson about an Italian-American hit-man who has an Italian American wife who has just bitten her Italian American mother and invited her to move into their Italian American home for the rest of Italian American eternity (or eternity’s close approximation), all the while being videotaped by their (I presume) Italian American nephew. But there’s one extremely brilliant twist; they’re all Italian American Vampires.

A show with great promise, but one rife with stereotypical traps; They live in Los Angeles, however, these Italian American Vampires speak with accents that are so East Coast, it’s as if they were born on a secret island version of New Jersey that floats in the Atlantic Ocean, 200 miles further east of the actual New Jersey. They enjoy making traditional Italian American food, even thought they can’t eat it. They say traditional Italian American Grace, even though it could fatally bore them.

I see no need for concern. “Vampire Mob” has been able to navigate all defamatory pitfalls without incident. They even managed to circumvented the ever-prevalent Catholic Vampire stereotypes which are most pervasive and revolting.

But the Vampire Anti-Defamation League has asked that I state that they take issue with “Vampire Mob’s” insinuation that any Vampires care about whether or not blood is organic.

I suspect that they’re only sensitive because it’s true. All Vampires feign interest in organic blood. It’s just the way Vampires are made.

I do, however, take issue with “Vampire Mob” for other, more sinister reasons.

Categorically, there’s one genre that confounds accurate and insightful critique: The Mockumentary. Dreaded foe of the webseries™ judiciary everywhere. Mockumentaries are the hell-spawn of Satan’s less amiable brother Jim.

The Mockumentary is like its own built-in, all-encompassing excuse. Bad camera work? Mockumentary! Bad sound? Mockusoundery! Bad acting? Mockuactory! How does one go about judging this type of work? Every insult is a compliment. Every compliment is also a compliment.

“Jim’s Beard! That was the most amateur webseries™ I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

“Why, thank you, we’ve worked very hard to make it look that way.”

Asinine. I’ve met Italian American who were less wily than the Mockumentary style. Perhaps the only way to fight the Mockumentary Filmmaking style is to do so in the Mockumentary Criticism style:

Now, you must imagine that this page is shaking violently, moving in and out of focus, and sounds as if the audio were recorded under the bleachers at a NASCAR event. For some of you, this won’t be difficult. Are you imaging it? Good.

“poop.”

There. You can stop shaking. Unless you’re the nervy Italian American type like Joe Pesci, then I can’t help you. That is my critique of the Mockumentary style. Gritty and raw n’est-ce pas? The lower case “p” at the beginning was a nice touch, I think. It implies that rules are not enforced here. This is life.

However, my critique of “Vampire Mob” is only slightly better. I found it to be enjoyable. Even with its relentless Mockumentary taunting. If there’s only one camera man, how are we seeing so many angles?! A maddening, labyrinthine mental exercise. One of many that Mockumentaries employ to slowly drive us all mad. But, I’ve survived with my sanity in tact. And “Vampire Mob’s” Cinéma Vérité style gave me a fresh outlook on humanity coupled with an excuse to use lines over my “e”s. ..Damn. I’m afraid I may be going Mockumental. A medically recognized illness (ask Christopher Guest). The only treatment of which is to watch the first 2 films in the Godfather series. There’s nothing real about those. Except for their depictions of Italian Americans.

I give “Vampire Mob” my second highest rating:


Score = Blah.


What this show has:

Vampires

Mobsters

A Hooker

A Dog

A Castle

Talking to the Camera

Mockumentary Style

Grit

Truth

Honesty

Life


What it doesn’t have:

A cure for Mockumental Illness



The Best Friend

Many years of being the Most Influential Webseries™ Critic Out There™ has taught me that first impressions are always correct.

I’m referring to first first impressions. Not the impression I get from seeing the first 15 seconds of a show, those 15 seconds are what I base my entire review on as they’re the only seconds of a show that matter in the slightest. I mean early impressions. The impressions I get from the title of a show or simply the feelings evoked by the link that I use to find a webseries™ in the first place.

Vampires are never “the best friend.” Therefore, I had little hopes for the webseries created by Marilyn Anne Michaels and Allie Smith, unfortunately titled “The Best Friend.”

“The Best Friend” follows the adventures of Sooze, a cute, self-obsessed individual who shops at the trendiest stores, can’t find the time to pay the rent, and takes full advantage of her lovelorn “best friend” “Millie.” Sooze is also a 27-year-old virgin, which means that her sexual weapon has been sharpened to a razor’s edge.

I will say that Sooze is, almost undoubtedly, the most interesting and sympathetic character in recent webseries™ history. The kind of girl you take to blood drives and go cape shopping with. The perfect creature.

There’s only one terrifying problem. She isn’t a creature at all. She is merely a… girl.

She wouldn’t go cape shopping. The perfect Vampire isn’t a Vampire after all. I finally discovered why Sooze is a virgin. She is an inexcusable tease.

I had to keep watching. I was positive that, at any moment, Sooze was sure to turn, bear her glorious teeth and tear Millie’s throat out. Isn’t that why she kept Millie around in the first place? To feed from? Have I been mistaken all these many years about what the term “wing woman” means? No. “The Best Friend” is in error. It has to be the case. In scientific experiments, my opinions have been lab-tested and proven to be accurate %112.5 of the time. You can’t argue with results like that.

Perhaps that’s why I’m so disenfranchised with “The Best Friend.” As I continued to watch, dumbfounded, I began to realize that “The Best Friend” is actually about the best friend, Millie (I know, right), and her campaign to turn an otherwise perfect being – through feelings (ugh) – into a simpering slushpile of humanity, thus destroying almost any hope that Sooze will ever turn out to be a Vampire.

Despite that, an upside to this webseries™ is watching Millie learn the error of her own wet-blanket, thoroughly un-Vampiric ways. I harbor little illusions, however, that any Vampirism is forthcoming. Most likely, both women will meet somewhere in the muddy middle and two lives will have been destroyed. And not in the delicious way.

That said, even though “The Best Friend” contained no Vampires (it took place in the San Fernando Valley and not one Vampire?! Honestly?!), it did contain an almost-Vampire. A Vampiric shell. A Vampy facade. And, as we know, appearances are the most important things in this world. And, more importantly, this webseries™ has reinforced my initial assertion that first first impressions are always correct. I did find “The Best Friend” enjoyable, albeit maddening. For that reason, and since the women go to a chic salon with an extremely hip name, I give “The Best Friend” my second highest rating.


Score = Blah.


What this show has:

Musical tips to fool a stalker

Backup Singers

Sequins

An Eviction Notice

A Doors Tee

Farmer’s Market

1,000 Cute Nicknames Based on “Millie”

A Haunted Size -2 Wedding Dress

Credit Dancing

Music

Big O

A 27-year-old Virgin

Footgasms

Official Dog Walker

Chicken Cutlets

Pillow Fight

Redhead Parade


What it doesn’t have:

Vampires

The Hubble Telescope



Pretty

TV comedy interview format shows. What is it about interview shows? They’re everywhere! You can’t throw a tantrum without hitting one. And why is that? I have a little theory… “Interview with the Vampire” is so inspirational to people that they simply can’t help themselves when it comes to copying.

But I’ll let you in on a little secret: if you watch “Interview with the Vampire” very closely, you’ll notice that the TV comedy interview format is nowhere to be seen. And, frankly, “I with the V” isn’t really all that… accurate. I have it on good authority. Sure, there’s the undeath, there’s the blood sucking, there’s the betrayal, there’s the denial, there’s the homoeroticism (totally grossed me out, BTW!), there’s the little girl who will always be a little girl…

All of which brings me to “Pretty.” This show is about a father (Sam Pancake—that can’t be right) who pushes his 5-year-old daughter (Stacy McQueen) into the gritty world of child beauty pageants. The father is gay, but in complete denial. He’s married to a sassy black woman (Dee Freeman). (Sassy black woman! Who can get enough of them?) The sassy black wife smokes cigarettes for a living. The gay father (Sam Pancake—surely this is a typo) is also in denial that his brother (Troy Conrad) is sleeping with his sassy black smoking wife (Dee Freeman), and that his daughter (Stacy McQueen) is probably not his (Sam Pancake—no, it’s correct).

What a set-up. Tantrums! Blood sucking! Betrayal! Denial! Homoeroticism! (Well, not really. Closeted men are never erotic. Are they?) Little girl who will always be a little girl!

Oh, I forgot the most confusing part about this show. The 5-year-old, Annette, looks really, really old. McQueen is either too old and badly cast, or she’s really a child with some kind of mental disability and Methuselah syndrome. And you had better not say, “Hey, if it is Methuselah syndrome, then look out, gang! We have a Vampire show on our hands!”

Listen and learn: Methuselah was not a Vampire. He was just really old. Common misconception. I’ll forgive you this once.

So then Dakota (née Annette) is not a Vampire. This is the show’s failing. No Vampires. Terri Simmons as bitch pageant leader Parker Kensington-Parker (Terri Simmons) is as close to a Vampire as anyone comes in the show, but no one thought to pull the trigger on that character trait, and so she remains just a bitch pageant leader. Such promise!

Despite the lack of Vampires, the show has pacing, jokes, situations, very tall hair, contraband sequins, and the TV comedy interview format. Hey, I didn’t say I didn’t like it! In fact, “Pretty” is rather enjoyable. For that, I shall give it my second-highest rating.



Score = Blah.



What this show has:

Scandal

Betrayal

Glitter

Cigarettes

Sassy woman of color

Skeezy uncle

Joan Van Ark

Illegal sequin dealer

Easy-to-cover theme song

Bad parenting

Car sex

Pre-teen rebellion

Change of ownership

Self immolation

Hair-dos of many kinds

An actor named Pancake



What it doesn’t have:

Vampires

Enough postage



Suck and Moan

Blood, blood, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.

– Excerpted from the popular 1798 lyrical poem The Rime of the Ancyent Vampyre. Used by permission of the author.



Thus is the central dilemma in Brendon Fong’s apocryphal apocalypse prognostication “Suck and Moan.”

I won’t bother to explain the premise of this webseries. I’ve already done so in a magnificently-produced “Balthazane’s Study” video. You should watch it. With 15% new footage, It’s value-added!





The question now haunts me. I’m not sure what I would do if I were to unwittingly bite into a zombie and expose myself to its contagions… I mean, if I were a vampire. If vampires were real. Which they aren’t.

It would be bad enough to find myself facing a shortage of fresh food. There’s only so much Coconut Juice one Being can drink before they need the real thing. These are the hypotheticals that “Suck and Moan” had me pondering. Unfortunately, the characters in “Suck and Moan” were pondering them too. Ad nauseum. Complain, complain, complain. At least now I know where this webseries™ got the second half of its title from.

And, after you watch “Suck and Moan” for more than 5 seconds, you’ll learn where the first part of the title comes from.

It’s because the show is about Vampires. …What did you think I was going to say?

I suppose I’m a bit peevish, not just because the thought of consuming zombie blood has me vurping into my freshly brewed mug of Hot CJ this morning, but because “Suck and Moan” disseminates about 1,500 Vampiric fallacies. Fallacies that the Vampire community has been working hard to dispel. …or, would be working hard to dispel, if the Vampire community existed. Which it doesn’t.

So, in cooperation with the Vampire Anti-Defamation League, I’ve composed a “Suck and Moan” Viewers Appendix. A handy way to confirm or deny any and all assertions made about Vampires in this webseries™. I’ve listed them in order for convenience. Whenever a claim is made, or the characters ask one another an absurdly inane question about their own Vampirism, you’ll find the answer here. Starting with Episode 1:



1. We don’t

2. It isn’t

3. No

4. True

5. False

6. Absurd

7. Idiotic

8. Never

9. Absolutely



I realize that this list may seem incomplete. It isn’t. When you find that you’ve come to the end of the list, but not the end of the series, simply go back to the top and apply them in order again to the persisting claims. You’ll discover that it continues to work. Concurrently, if you continue looping Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” after the Tin Man scene in “The Wizard of Oz,” it’ll persist to be exactly as mind-alteringly synchronicitous as it was from the beginning.

Exactly as.

As I stated in my video, “Suck and Moan” could use a little more “Suck” and a little less “Moan.” However, there was plenty of zombie death. That’s always an easy way to gain points with me. However, I prefer to not be reminded of zombies altogether. If there were a way to kill zombies that aren’t included or mentioned in the show, it would probably be the perfect webseries™. Even though “Suck and Moan” is bordering on the scurrilous as far as Vampire stereotypes, and it insists on killing zombies that exist, I found it enjoyable. It did contain Vampires after all. I give it my second highest rating.


Score = Blah


What this show has:

Vampires

A Surgical Mask

A Baseball Bat

A Golf Club

A Toothbrush

Conversation

Conversation

Conversation

Myths

Terrifying Hypotheticals


What it doesn’t have:

Oysters

Cell

When characters find themselves in a mysterious and unexplained situation, being held against their will, forced by unemotive strangers to behave or get tortured, an audience can only feel one thing: Annoyed. That is, if these characters refuse to ask the simplest of questions, such as, “Who are you?” “Why am I here?” “What do you mean?” “How long have you been here?” “What do I need to do?” “Why should I not do that thing you are telling me not to do?” “Can you explain why you just said that?” “Who else is on this blasted island?”

I think you get the point.

Such are my feelings for this webseries™. Often. When Kate and Sawyer find themselves trapped in a bear cage, held by lord-knows-who, do they ask the right questions of their captors or each other? No! Annoyed. When Jack is trapped behind glass and Juliette is feeding him sandwiches, does he ask her who the hell they are? No! Annoyed. When Jacob says, “Come with me,” does a single person ask him to explain—

Wait, something is amiss. Am I talking about the right show? As the Web’s most renowned and popular webseries™ reviewer, I sometimes lose track of what I’ve seen. Perhaps the video I recorded months ago will help.

Ah, yes! “Cell!” I’m sorry. “Lost.” “Cell.” Both four letters, and both Vampireless shows. An easy mix-up. (I’d be happy to discuss with you the inexplicable Vampirelessness of the “undead” Jacob and Man in Black, but this is not the venue.)

So, “Cell.” A man. A woman. Chemistry. Love. Ah, love! Can the prison bars, cattle prods, mystery jailer, and romantic gelatinous pie filling oatmeal dinners be far behind?

As I stated in my insightful video review, this show had all the makings of a wonderful Vampire thriller. But again, we lovers of the Vampire genre are to be denied. Why is this? Why do so many webseries™ makers refuse to use the one guaranteed money-making tool they have at their disposal? Why would you not want your webseries™ to be the absolute best it can be? How do you think your show can become the popular hit you want it to be without the use of the single most popular archetype out there, the Vampire?

These, then, are the questions I am asking. I am not afraid! I am not afraid to ask them for fear of blowing my precious dramatic wad! I ask because I dare! Because I am the Audience, and I deserve to know! I am Balthazane! Hear me query!

Aside from all that, “Cell” was rather dramatic, mysterious, well-produced, and had me on the edge of my lounger. Most assuredly enjoyable. Therefore, as I forgot to point out in my video review, I give “Cell” my second-highest score.



Score = Blah.



What this show has:

A woman

A man

Another rather meaner man

Star Trek technology

Blue light specials

Wise teachings

Forbidden love

Another rather creepier forbidden love

Uniforms

Pie tins

A little black spot on the sun

A staircase

Voices

A faked death

Other less-faked deaths

Cells



What it doesn’t have:

Vampires

Hula girls



Vampirism Bites

Vampirism… wait for it… Bites.

Belle Vampire is Vampire a Vampire new Vampire and Vampire is Vampire a Vampire direct Vampire descendent Vampire of Vampire the Vampire Dracula.

By all logical reasoning, that last sentence should have been an utter joy to read. However, for some reason, making every other word “Vampire” didn’t help at all. And I’ll bet it’s because of the sentence’s glaringly obvious factual inaccuracy. I won’t mention where that inaccuracy occurred, but I will say these two words: “confirmed bachelor.”

“Vampirism Bites” contains a lot of Vampires. Every other person is a Vampire. It pretty much goes: Vampire, hunter, Vampire, hunter, Vampire, hunter, Litigator. It’s like a giant metaphysical game of Duck, Duck, Goose, with a lawyer at the end. Or something. I don’t know what a Litigator is. Far too much of this show exists for me to be expected to watch it. I’m a busy man.

But I do know that new Vampire Belle is having some trouble. Her fangs have yet to drop and she can’t quite master the Vampire Glamouring process. It’s no wonder. She has no concept of what Glamouring actually is. Contrary to popular movies and TV, Glamouring is not simply a magical process wherein staring or flirting influences thoughts and controls minds. It’s far more complicated than that. To properly Glamour someone, you must appear to earn at least $200,000 a year and… oh, well, that’s it. I suppose that is fairly simple. But wardrobe is very important (Banana Republic or better). And don’t forget to include “CEO” or “Expert” or “Guru” on your business cards.

Even though “Vampirism Bites” contains very little biting (I’m beginning to suspect that the title is ironic in some way), I found what little of it I watched enjoyable. The spray bottles are an interesting touch. Justice hasn’t been doled out this swiftly and barbarously since a naughty kitten jumped on a kitchen counter. The story is labyrinthine and recondite. And the dialogue is full of words. As if Joss Whedon got a blood transfusion from a bigger, Joss Whedonier Joss Whedon. I also appreciate a show that so blatantly challenges the outdated notion of axis lines and understands that the pen is truly mightier than the sword.

I give the webseires™ “Vampirism Bites” my second highest rating.



Score = Blah.



What this show has:

Vampires

Dracula Clock

The Rise

A Litigator

A Large Leather Sofa

Day for Night

Hunters

The Dracula

Punchline



What it doesn’t have:

Calculus

Gym Shortz

What havoc a mistyped “z” can cause.

As I have mentioned before, I sometimes stumble across webseries™ when I don’t intend to. I suppose that might speak to the successful penetration webseries™ are having into search results days. Though, it’s more probable that it reflects an over-saturation issue. With over 1,000,000,000 webseries™ online (and counting), I’m bound to run across one or two while performing mundane Google searches.

Therefore, I feel compelled to write a review of Justin Marchert’s new animated webseries™ “Gym Shortz.” I did watch an entire episode after all.

How’s that? Indeed, taste dictates that I turn off every webseries™ episode after the first 15 seconds or so. With so many terrible shows online, I’ve surmised that by using this method, I can game the averages. So, even great shows (if they actually exist) suffer the same fate. This is a matter of science.

However, since I was caught off-guard by “Gym Shortz,” and as I was uncharacteristically disconcerted already while Googling (for unrelated reasons), I was unable to find the wherewithal to push the stop button in my browser. By the time I found my bearings, the show was over.

Mr. Marchert has obviously learned the fast and true rule of good webseries™ production, “keep it short.”* However, I have serious doubts that he has ever stepped foot into a gym. At least, never at night.

How many Vampires are there in “Gym Shortz?”

Not one. Not so far as I can tell.

Really. Anyone who thinks Vampires don’t belong in every gym just hasn’t been paying attention. That guy with the too-heavy dumbbells, throwing his back out to perform another curl; the roided-out, over-tanned DB who brings 10 towels and places them on every other piece of equipment; the woman who spends more than 10 minutes on the inner thigh machine. Look closer at these people. That’s all I’ll say.

I would suggest that you look even harder at the entire upper echelon of Bally’s Fitness Corporation. If you’ve ever been a member, you’ve probably had your suspicions. Only the very elite of beings could come up with Bally’s ingeniously mystifying membership fee system.

“Gym Shorts” is about a smaller, non-corporate gym that may or may not be suffering some financial problems. Probably because they don’t include “mystery charges” in their payment plans and don’t offer 25 different membership levels, all with different charges and perks. Amateur. If you treat your customers fairly, you should expect to go out of business very soon.

Nevertheless, even with its grossly naive flaws, I found “Gym Shortz” enjoyable. And, while the episode I found called “Gym Shortz 1: Wiping” didn’t answer the burning question I was itching to have answered, it did leave me with some important clues. And it debunked a particularly burdensome myth I had been harboring. I give “Gym Shorts” my second highest rating.


Score = Blah.


What this show has:

Pe-Myth

Animation

Spider-man

Voices

Color

Cartoons

Slippery Floors

Tips

Geeks


What it doesn’t have:

Vampires

Soldering Irons



*I have discovered that creator Justin Marchert has eschewed tested and proven webseries™ wisdom and has begun to create longer, story-driven “Gym Shortz” episodes (well, one anyway). I’m going to have to downgrade his review to my second highest rating.

Score = Blah.

Compulsions

What compels an average office worker to torture someone?

What compels an unremarkable computer genius to turn voyeur?

What compels a third, seemingly ordinary person to do something else out-of-the-ordinary?

If those people are Vampires, the answer is easy. If they’re not, then, honestly, I’m not quite sure… Perhaps some kind of compulsion?

What drives me to write a review of a dramatic webseris named “Compulsions”?

Obligation.

It would literally be a crime against nature to waste my skills by not reviewing this show. But, what would be a bigger waste of my skills?

Writing a review of this show.

Are you confused? Good. Now you know how I felt after finishing all 8 episodes of “Compulsions.”

I usually stop watching a vampireless webseries after the first 15 seconds. But “Compulsions” grabbed me. I watched the entire thing from start to finish. I’m not quite sure why. Something just badgered me to. I felt prescribed. Coerced. Indentured. Thesaurused.

Oops, wait, scratch that last one, my eye wandered to the wrong part of the page for a second.

“Compulsions” knows that, in webseries, as in life, the journey is the destination. And actual destinations are for quitters. Writer/Creator Bernie Su has crafted a webseries that is the epitome of suspense. Nothing destroys doubt, uncertainty and apprehension quite like answered questions.

But, I’m going to unquestion a question. The reason why writing a review of “Compulsions” would be a waste of my skills: Because I’ve already done a video review. I could have spared you all this reading, but something made me feel it necessary to torture you a little bit. Sadism. Let’s just call it a theme.

Watch:


Oh, now I’m left with more questions. Like; What am I reading? Why do I Iook so good in that chair? How do I turn the lights out at the end? Does fire obey my every whim?

Compelling…

“Compulsions” made me question the very purpose of questions, therefore, I’m giving it my second highest score?


Score = Blah?


What this show has:

A Cattle Prod

Voyeurism

Compulsions

Sadism

Questions

Water

Coworkers

“Craig Frankismo”


What it doesn’t have:

Vampires?

Sequins?

Hollywood Wasteland

If the world as we know it were to come to an end, turned into a post-nuclear wilderness, you can bet Vampires had something to do with it.

That is, unless you’re Matt Newcomb, writer of the webseries “Hollywood Wasteland.” Then your apocalypse is brought about by a Vampireless, albeit evil cabal. Excuse me whilst I turn my head and scoff.

Y’ugh… Oh, sorry. That’s what happens when you you scoff and yawn at the same time.

Dull implausibility will bring this business down. That’s all I’m saying.

The more specific premise of “Hollywood Wasteland” is that a nuclear bomb has destroyed Hollywood, triggering the apocalypse, and, with the aid of some steam punky guys from the future, it’s up to an aspiring comic book writer to save the world.

…Or something. I don’t know. I was immediately lost by the ridiculous premise. For one; all those things I mentioned above. Secondly; a comic book writer couldn’t save 10¢ on a gallon of milk if he had a coupon. And, thirdly; everyone knows that Hollywood was destroyed in 1980 by the movie Caddyshack.

In fact, I believe Caddyshack took out about half the country.

Jeff Collins’ (the comic book guy) world-saving success is made more unlikely since he’s barely noticed that the armageddon has even taken place. He’s somewhat clueless. But, not as clueless as his vapid, Los Angeles housemates. They’re the type of people who probably think that a tragically unfunny movie can be designated a “comedy classic” by sheer force of will and by the mindless repetition of insipid catchphrases and predictable “punchlines.”

That’s not actually in the show. It’s conjecture on my part. See, they haven’t noticed the nuclear destruction either. And not one of them has the wherewithal to be a vampire.

Five people living in one house and not one of them is a Vampire? In Los Angeles? This show just keeps getting more and more improbable. There’s even a crazy conspiracy theorist living in the basement! And, yep, he’s non-Vampire.

I’m starting to detect a theme with “Hollywood Wasteland.” It’s as if it’s going out of its way to not include Vampires. It’s starting to move out of the realm of “bad taste,” inching ever closer to bigotry territory. I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate a healthy dose of discrimination with my comedy. I thought Will and Grace was a hoot. But I haven’t been this indignant since Bill Murray tastelessly lampooned stroke victims in Caddyshack.

I once had a very old friend who had had a stroke before he was… well, let’s just say before his life was irrevocably changed in other, more interesting, ways. Half of his face was permanently paralyzed. Every time he fed, he looked like a giant, fleshy can opener.

It wasn’t funny.

However, the more I think about Caddyshack, the more I appreciate “Hollywood Wasteland.” For one, it isn’t Caddyshack. That’s a big plus. And I suppose, if pressed, I’d admit that it has its humorous moments. Though, I’d like to point out that only the first three episodes are funny. And there was a lot of talk about açai juice. Honestly, I can’t get enough açai juice. It really is a miracle elixir. Everyone should spend their money on it whenever they have an opportunity.

I found “Hollywood Wasteland” to be more than just a geeky remake of Terminator 2. Even though T2 had one more Vampire in the cast. I give it my second highest rating.


Score = Blah


What this show has:

Chapatenuca

Stan Getz

Smokin’ Hot Robot

Açai

Comic Books

Illuminati

Laminate Flooring

Bouncy House

Quinceanera

Roommates

Evil Appliances


What it doesn’t have:

Vampires

Blintzes